Of course I was ready too early. My big moment was still to come and I had over three quarters of an hour to wait; there was only one thing to be done at times like these…pick up the phone. I needed moral support and I knew just where to go for it.
“Jenny? I feel like I’m going on a first date, instead of seeing my almost-ex husband tonight. I just know that I’m going to make a mess of everything. Here I am already dressed with still nearly an hour to wait; I’m sure I’ll break down and say something stupid instead of keeping to our plan. What do I do?” The last question came out in a broken wail, but I needn’t have worried; my closest, oldest and most put-upon friend was there for me, as always.
“Sue! Now just you calm down this minute. We must have gone over this at least six dozen times last night. You know it’s going to work, and then you can get on with living happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales. Now tell me. Let me hear you say it.”
“The plan is going to work; Greg is coming over tonight because he wants to give our marriage a second chance; I look fantastic; I will knock him dead and I’m going to live happily ever after.” I’d said the words, but I wasn’t sure that I believed them.
“That’s my girl. What are you wearing?” she asked.
“That little black number I bought last week, high heels, black stockings, sexy but very tasteful. I’ve put my hair up the way he used to like it when we were first married, subdued make-up; I look like a million dollars but I don’t feel like it inside.”
“Why? If you look that good you should feel wonderful,” Jen chided me.
“Because I’m scared, that’s why. How do I know that he won’t look at me and change his mind? I keep remembering the things he said before he left last year and it’s ripping my confidence to shreds.” I was starting to shake with nerves.
“Now look,” Jenny retorted, “you are not the same person as you were last year. To start with you are at least thirty pounds lighter; you have a wonderful job and you’ve just been promoted; half the men you know are ready to drop at your feet. Why, for heaven’s sake should you worry that Greg isn’t going to re-join the Sue Frescoe Fan Club?”
“Because he was the first to leave it. You know what a mess I was in after he walked out. I don’t know if my new self-esteem could take any knocks; I’m only now getting my confidence back again. You know that. Oh, Jenny, why couldn’t he have waited just a few months longer before saying that he wanted to come back? I might have been better able to cope then.”
But Jen wasn’t having any whingeing from me. “You can cope perfectly well now. In fact more than cope, you just have to believe in yourself.”
And that was the problem; how much could I believe in myself when Greg had made it so clear on the night he left, that not only did I not figure in his future, but also that I hadn’t exactly brightened his past either. Four dismal years was how he had summed up our marriage. The blame for which was, of course, down to me, as he’d been only too ready to point out. If I had been brighter, more interesting, or slimmer, he wouldn’t have lost interest in me. Fatal to think of what he had said, but how could I help it?
“Sue? Sue! Are you still there? Why have you gone all quiet on me?”
“I was remembering his final words before he walked out. You know, the bit about never having been good enough for him. That he was going places and I would always hold him back. Well, supposing when he sees me tonight he feels that way again, I couldn’t take another rejection like that.”
“Let’s put this into perspective. Forget the stupid things he said a year ago, what exactly did he say when he phoned yesterday?”
“He said that he missed me; that he was lonely, and knew that I must be as well; that it was never too late to try again and that he wanted to come over this evening to talk about coming back.”
In fact he had said a great deal more, but I had been too emotionally churned up at hearing his voice to take everything in properly. I thought of the plan Jenny and I had put together after his call last night and wondered how I could ever have been so stupid as to think that I was strong enough to carry it out. Deciding that I would deal with him on my terms was one thing; actually seeing that handsome face again and staying cool was another.
“You know, Jenny, I don’t think I’m ready to face him yet. He’ll say I love you and I’ll fall at his feet; just as I always have.”
“No you won’t. You will…”
“Oh no! That’s the doorbell. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck. But you really don’t need it; deep down you know you’re ready, believe in yourself. After all, he made the first move, not you. Phone me later.”
I put the phone down and tried to compose myself as I walked down the stairs. A few deep breaths later and I was at the front door, instead of turning tail and running away as I wanted to, I forced myself to open the door and smile.
“Greg, right on time. But then you always were very punctual.”
As an opening line it left a lot to be desired, but at least I had taken the conversation initiative. Which, really was just as well because Greg looked as if he had been turned to stone.
“You look wonderful,” he finally managed to say, but it was obviously with an effort. Jenny had been right in saying that I wasn’t the same woman he had ditched; he hadn’t seen me for nearly a year and I had changed considerably for the better during that time.
He looked a little surprised when I stepped outside and closed the door behind me, but I had seen the taxi pull up at the kerb, as ordered. I knew I could rely on Greg being on time for our meeting so I hadn’t worried about the cab arriving too early.
He reached forward to take me in his arms, murmuring words I would have exchanged half my life for, just a few short months ago. As he bent his head to kiss me I placed my hands on his chest and looked up into his dark eyes. My heart flipped, and my stomach did a somersault. In fact everything that I thought would happen when I saw him again was coming true.
I took a deep breath; this was too important a moment to lose control.
“I’m sorry Greg,” I said as I slipped past him, “but I’ve realised that you never have been good enough for me. You see, I’m going places and I think you would just hold me back.”
As I climbed into the cab I gave his stunned face a final glance before going on to my date.
© Lorraine Mace 2003
