Jack opened his eyes, wondering why he’d woken. He shivered, feeling cold in spite of the warmth from the fire. He didn’t know if he’d heard a noise, or imagined it. He looked around the kitchen and there she was, sitting in her usual place on the other side of the hearth.
“What are you doing here?”
He knew how ungracious he must sound, but he was having difficulty shaking off the last remnants of sleep. His brain felt foggy, like thinking through cotton wool.
Doreen smiled at him; the look of sadness in her blue eyes nearly broke his heart.
“I expected more of a greeting than that. I thought you’d be pleased to see me.”
She had on the same outfit she’d been wearing when she walked out. He’d bought that dress for her as a birthday present. Was she wearing it today to soften his heart, to make him think of happier times? There had been so much happiness in their lives before she'd walked out.
Jack sat up straighter in his chair and attempted to return her smile, but it was too much of an effort. He felt disorientated, as if he’d woken up into someone else’s life. He’d accepted that she was gone for good, accepted he’d never see her again, and now here she was, looking as if she’d never been away. It felt so good that she was there, but he was finding it hard to adjust. Hard to hold back his resentment and hurt.
“Of course I’m pleased to see you, you know that. It’s just that it was a shock, waking up and seeing you sitting in your old chair. I didn’t think you were coming back.”
Doreen sighed. “I had to. I needed to see you. I had to explain about,” her voice faltered, “… about what happened when I left that day. I didn’t mean for it to be forever. I never intended to stay away.”
Jack felt his old anger rising to the surface. “You didn’t even say goodbye. You just grabbed your coat and stormed out, without saying a word.”
It had hurt him so much, the separation too sudden to adjust easily to being on his own. He wanted to lash out at her with angry words. He wanted to take her in his arms forever. Most of all he wanted to turn the clock back. Back to the time before the argument, before she walked out and this dreadful loneliness became his life.
“Oh, Jack, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was angry; I needed to cool down a bit. I wanted to be on my own for a while, that was all.” Her voice beseeched him to understand, and to forgive.
He wiped his eyes, the tears were blurring his vision and he needed to be able to see her clearly. He wanted every detail burned into his brain, from the brown curls, flecked with grey, to the elegance of her long tapering fingers. Fingers so suited to the piano, which had been silent for months now.
“I called after you, didn’t you hear me? I didn’t mean half the things I said. For goodness sake, Doreen, we’ve been married for nearly forty years. How could you think that I meant any of those stupid words?”
She smiled at him. “I didn’t, but I was hurt that you’d said them. I also came out with a lot that I regretted as soon as I’d said it. But you can’t take the words back. None of that matters now though, does it? Please say it doesn’t.”
Jack’s treacherous tears were back, spoiling his view of the only woman he’d ever loved.
“None of it matters to me. It’s just so good to see you again, sitting where you belong. I didn’t tell you often enough, how much I love you, did I?”
“There was no need, Jack; you’re not that sort of man. Besides I knew; you showed it in lots of different ways, every day.”
“That was the thing that worried me most, after you’d gone, I mean. That you might have left not knowing I love you as much now as the day we married. In fact much more,” he said, his voice trembling. “I miss you so much, Doreen. Life isn’t the same without you to share everything.”
He heard the key turning in the front door. He hadn’t realised how late it was. That would be their daughter, Sharon, coming to have lunch with him. She’d been keeping an eye on him since Doreen had gone, making sure he was eating properly and taking care of himself.
Jack couldn’t stop looking at Doreen, scared that she might disappear if he took his eyes off her.
“What are you going to say to Sharon? She misses you too.”
She shook her head. “Nothing at the moment, Jack, the time isn’t right. Maybe later.”
“Well, what shall I tell her? She’ll be in here any minute now.”
He heard Sharon’s voice calling from the hall.
“Dad? Are you in the kitchen? Shall I come through?”
Doreen sighed. “I’d like to speak to her, but I can’t.”
“You won’t go away, will you?” he begged. “Please don’t just disappear again.”
He looked up as the door opened and their daughter walked in. Sharon came into the room looking around, as if expecting to see another person.
“I thought I heard two voices, Dad. Who was it? You haven’t started talking to the cat, have you?” she asked. Her concern for him was evident in her voice.
Jack knew how Sharon felt about him being on his own too much. She was worried that he might start getting a bit odd. He didn’t know how much to tell her. She’d be upset if Doreen wasn’t going to speak to her, but he had to at least try to explain.
“I was talking to your mother, but she’s going away again now,” he said. He saw the distress on her face. “Don’t look at me like that, it’s not so strange.”
“Oh, Dad, don’t say that. She’s dead. Killed by a hit and run driver, right outside your own front door.” Her eyes filled with tears. “You’ve got to accept it, Dad. She’s dead."
He looked across the hearth to the empty chair. He could barely see Doreen now, but he knew she was smiling at him. She waved. There was an air of finality about it.
“I know, lass, but we needed to say goodbye.”
Lorraine Mace 2004
